distractions

to clear my head. to ease my mind...

so... its been said & heard that some of you guys are bugged by my compulsive reading... well lemme explain the reason why then...

lately ive been stressed. but yea i know everyone gets stressed. so whats the difference with me right?!

well its jus keeps pilein higher & higher. & im seriously at my breakin point that im starting to get panic attacks... & honestly i jus got back from the hospital... & ugg... i recieved some news that i really didnt need to know. like my body was filled with 2nd hand smoke & alcohol. im not gettin much water in my system either. fuck man they can seriously exam that shit. UGH i was so scared if my parents would find out. but luckily my doctor was nice enough to not tell. but hella warned me about my health...

anyways, back to 25/8 reading... well ive been needing time to distract myself so i wouldnt dwell on being emo & stuff. it helped me not show weakness around you guys. i didnt want to be placed on the spot hearin "oh whats wrong? talk to me. im always here." & so on & what not. i already know that... i mean... like im not trying to sound harsh in anyways. but this is my problem that i need to face myself. & i dont want you guys to be placed in the middle of it. i know you guys have your own things to worry about. i can handle myself. but if i really do need help. you know id always ask. its just i wanna deal with this myself. ya kno?

lately its been clear ive been having "guy problems". i know kevin hits you guys up. im not offeneded either way. but what i dont get is how he cant understand what im tryin to say even after you guys try to exlain too. honestly he doesnt listen. its pretty clear to me that he doesnt. even tho he says he does. he really doesnt... honestly im tired of his mood swings. first he is mad for the longest time & then when he finally puts the real pieces of the puzzle together, he's all emotional on me again. im seriously gettin whip lash from all of it. im not tryin to sound cocky or a bitch. but im seriously tired of being the "guy" in the relationship. i know he is really sensitive but i crumble down too. i can only take so much. & now im seriously over worked.

situations change. people drift away if they chose to. but that doesnt mean ive changed. its jus how you act upon a stiuation. im still me. im just find ways to clam myself. and to relax myself without havin the 21 questions being thrown at me. i mean i know people get curious. but is it so hard to figure out when a good or bad time it is to ask someone about it?

another thing. okies seriously how can you get mad at me for jus readin? im sorry but thats the most retarded thing ive ever heard. first if you want me to stop jus say so. yea i may not stop so quickly. bcus like ill finish a pharagraph or the chapter then ill put it down. its not at all being controling or watever you wanna call it if you tell me to stop readin. i think of it as a friendly gesture, ya know? its jus that i got hooked & most of all it helped me stay clear of unpleasant thoughts.

but like even if i wasnt busy reading, then id be busy writing. ive been seriously blogging like crazy lately. & reading over has it ups & downs. good, bcus everythin is finally placed out of my chest. bad, bcus when i go back to read it i sit there & depress myself. i try not to read over it. though it does help a bit. kinda builds me up to push myself to stay strong. i dont wanna be seen weak. ill do my best to put others ahead of me no matter what state i may be in. i dont wanna be selfish. its jus a part of me that feels that way.

so yea. i hope you guys can understand where im coming from. maybe, maybe not. but yea. like i said earlyer. it feels good to get things off your chest...

-Boo


if this doesnt work out in the end. then im seriously DONE for a great amount of TIME. REAL TALK